The myth of the dominatrix conjures a figure who is cruel, cold, endlessly demanding, without compassion. We certainly dance around this mythology in sessions, we enact these ice queen fantasies, we energize and feed our sadism in order to access the delicious adrenaline high that comes from power exchange. But if you have been in the world of BDSM for any measure of time, you’ll soon learn: the superpower of an experienced and intuitive Dominant is her empathy.
This isn’t compassion, folks, this is understanding. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another human. We understand your pain, your desire, your torment, your pleasure. We know exactly how to use that to achieve our desired outcome.
We monitor your breathing, your facial cues, the sounds you make. We manipulate you within your limits, to reach just beyond them, to push you. We bring you up, we bring you down, we coax you out of it, we ensure you are safe, and we send you back out into the world renewed, refreshed, bruised, and aching in all the right places…
When I am in a really connected play session, there are moments of transference, where my empathic self is living through my submissive. I am feeling what they feel and getting off on their experience, getting off on how sexy I am, on the sound of the whip or the flogger on their skin, on how fucking hot the whole situation is. It really is a superpower. Topspace for me is electric, heady, controlled, and powerful. It doesn’t always happen, but when it does — it’s a kind of kinky magic.
A good domme will work on her submissive, will make them a better human over time. We use our influence to create awareness about the issues that are important to us, to our industry, to their sexual health and wellness as well as ours. We help our submissives learn how to express themselves better. Many of my longtime submissives and I have deep conversations that go far beyond kink or BDSM. I have been told countless times: “I have never spoken to anyone about this before.” Or, “this is therapy for me.”
It is an honor for me to hold space for the fetishes, desires, and stories that our culture keeps in the dark, to hold a candle up to examine their sharp edges. I love this work.
The other thing you will learn, as you interact with professional dommes, is that most of us are deeply community-minded. We are leaders and influencers. We protect our sisters and colleagues in the industry, we are activists, we tend to be individuals who make money and GIVE money. We support each other when the chips are down.
During this pandemic, I have been deeply impressed by sex workers and the way we truly support each other, as well as our communities as a whole. I have seen and participated in a lot of mutual aid, volunteering, letter writing, activism, and fundraising. While this time has been devastating and challenging for all of us, I am endlessly inspired by sex workers.
This isn’t the first time our livelihoods have been threatened. We are hustlers. We pivot and we evolve. Demand won’t go away, but our access to this demand is constantly being threatened. We are always under the threat of being de-platformed, censored, or worse.
Nevertheless, we persist. You consume our content, our images, our writing. Do you pay for this content? Do you tribute these individuals for their labor?
As usual, the most marginalized, Black and POC sex workers, have been hit hardest. If you are a white person, it is imperative that YOU PERSONALLY are ensuring that money, resources, and opportunities flow into Black, Indigenous, and communities of color. Ask yourself: what can I do to help these communities RIGHT NOW? If it isn’t money or tribute or buying content, you can offer your time, your talents, or your privilege and access to resources.
In a FemDom Bootcamp Panel we recently hosted at Sub Rosa, we tackled the topic of Service Submission. Natasha Strange, Dia Dynasty, Justine Cross, and I answered questions from the attendees. Someone asked: “how can I be of service during the pandemic when I am solo and without a Mistress.”
I certainly have compassion for those who are solitary and seeking right now, this pandemic has struck a really hard social blow, especially to marginalized communities (queer, BIPOC, and trans spaces are already so limited and we fear more of these closing down). It’s hard to meet folks when you cannot share space, it’s hard to serve when you don’t have an existing D/s dynamic.
My response is: this is a time where our humanity is being tested — we need to adapt our focus and serve community members who need our support most, right now. The only thing that has got me through this year has been this approach. I am a Dominant, but I am also a person who thrives off of helping/serving people and the energy that comes from this exchange. It is ultimately self-serving, because helping others helps me to feel less helpless. It loosens the tightness in my chest and offers me some relief from anxiety. Action for me is the antidote to despair.
If you are a person in this wild world right now, especially a person who thrives in service, find others in the kink or queer or pro-domme community and offer your service to them. Real service, not your desires packaged as a service to them. Find out what they need, read their socials or website, or ask them directly. Send a grocery/Instacart/Grubhub gift card. Send them Venmo/Cashapp/PayPal without expecting anything in return.
Assess your skills or your resources and offer those things. Do this in the spirit of kinky service but also do this in the spirit of mutual survival. Because we are IN IT right now, folks. People need support. The government certainly is not providing this. Offer it where you can, and don’t forget to take care of yourself in the process. What you will find is that you will more easily connect authentically with others when you access this part of your humanity.
It’s the end of 2020, one of the most intense years most of us have lived through. We have to arm ourselves to enter 2021 with renewed energy, with a commitment to our health and the health of others, because I cannot wait to get back to live events, our kinky sex parties, my sessions, my dungeon. But none of this matters unless we survive this and survive it together. I have provided a list of resources for support and more information about these issues below.
Happy Solstice and Happy New Year, to all my friends and fellow perverts.
Love, MVP
Local Organizations to Support in Portland:
Donate: Equitable Giving Circle - Black-led organization currently providing farm to home food boxes and pantry support for over 500 families. I am a founding donor and volunteer.
Donate: PDX Stripper Strike: Advocating proactive policy and equitable treatment for Black and Indigenous workers by facilitating restorative justice in the adult entertainment industry.
Donate: PNW Ballroom Microgrants.
Inform: Article about Covid relief for sex workers and the demand.
Sex Worker Rights and Activism:
Inform: Decrim Oregon: Decrim Oregon is a coalition of individuals and organizations dedicated to promoting the human rights, civil rights and liberties, health, and safety of sex workers and people profiled as sex workers in Portland and Oregon.
Inform: Hacking//Hustling is a collective of sex workers, survivors, and accomplices working at the intersection of tech and social justice to interrupt state surveillance and violence facilitated by technology.
Anti Racism Resources:
Inform: List of anti-racism resources.
Inform: Ally Resource Guide.
Action (letter): Defund Multnomah County Racist Policing.
Metal Health Resources:
Self care: Mental health resources in Portland.
Self care: National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network.