Me with one of my longtime submissives, recently collared.
As a kink & FemDom event organizer, I get this question a lot. You want a lifestyle domme to own you, you want a 24/7 relationship, you want a female-led relationship, or perhaps you want a FemDom play partner for events or private play. You want it to be ‘REAL’.
Folded into this desire “to be real” is an implication that offends me, implying that professional domination isn’t real. My connections with my submissives are very real. However, they are contained in a safe space for both parties. A space where the value of my time and energy and my experience is being compensated and the boundaries (for both parties) are clear. This is not a ‘lifestyle’ relationship but it is a real relationship nonetheless. Many of my submissives have served me for many years, and the connection has evolved and deepened over time.
Professional domination offers a container for BDSM experiences, there isn’t much grey area. Relationships outside of professional appointments and scheduled sessions are full of grey areas. Often people need their experiences to be contained in these ways, to fit into their busy lives, and to more easily compartmentalize them.
Seeing a professional is a healthy option for pursuing new experiences safely and for learning who you are as a submissive or fetishist. Many of my submissives start with me — and through my coaching, input, and their personal evolution — they move on to find lifestyle relationships that incorporate kink. Sometimes they still come to see me and sometimes they move on.
All that said, I certainly understand the desire for more than a pro-domme relationship. And I have some helpful advice for how you can meet a domme or fellow kinkster or fetishist. Still, you’ll need to invest in this pursuit, it will not just fall in your lap because you want it badly.
If you are emailing me to ask me how to meet a domme, stop wasting my time and energy and asking me for free labor. Start by paying for this webinar that myself and Princessa Natasha Strange spent a lot of time putting together, it is only $25 - Come Correct: How to Approach, Serve, and Dazzle Dominant Femmes. I recommend new FemDoms watch it also for advice on how to better set boundaries. Once you’ve watched that, I hope you will be a lot more clear in what you are seeking the next time you email me.
Like any kind of dating, you need to learn to present yourself online honestly and authentically. You may or may not be surprised, but femmes with any kind of generally appealing presence online get hundreds of messages from folks demanding our attention. These approaches are often rude and half-assed. We cover examples in the webinar, both of bad approaches, and good ones.
You need to effectively present yourself and you need to show up. People will often come to my events and not meet anyone, and then give up. Do you believe you are entitled to attention and playtime just because you paid $20 to show up to an event? Just because you made the effort? You need to show up often, and this is true for online as well. Fetlife, online events, networking — all of this takes time, effort, and consistency. People start to see you, notice you, and trust you this way.
The FemDom you are pining after online, she likely has a lot of photos and writing about herself, videos and information and things that have drawn you to her. Her profile and those photos took time. She is presenting herself well. Are you? Do you have a profile picture? More than one? Do you write about yourself and express who you are? Or do you just jump into her inbox and tell her what you want to happen to you?
You need to bring more to the table other than your desires packaged as “service” or your need for attention. You need to be someone trustworthy and REAL.
I do coaching for submissives on how to better network in the kink world and build their online presence. If you want support on this, you need to compensate me for my time and energy. I have a lot of experience with this area of coaching. It is something I LOVE to do.
Princess Natasha Strange and I with my collared submissive at DomConLA.
I will discuss with you your goals and desires. We will work on defining (and dialing back) your expectations. We will work on clearly representing you and your interests (even if you don’t show your face online). We will work on getting you comfortable with the process. Finding what you want is not only possible, but it is an opportunity for personal growth.
It may be that you start with coaching and sessions with me or another professional to better define your interests and submissive style, and then through this work, you can better approach others.
The most important thing is to approach this with patience. Please reach out via my Contact Page to start a conversation about coaching.